Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
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[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week