*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
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If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born