I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
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My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.