Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
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I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.