My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
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Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
#CatsOnTwitter
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
#Caturday
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart