insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
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When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals