The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
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When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no