The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
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Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die