British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
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Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling