[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
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Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share