4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
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*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.