Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
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mood
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
All excellent questions
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.