I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
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I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.