me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
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Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
What personal space?
My dog
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it