Simple enough.
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NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
(by @ZachWeiner )
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Siri: Retweet me.
Best spoiler warning ever
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what