Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
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Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi