Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
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Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.