Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
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The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.