Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
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I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
And that about sums it up.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
This probably isn’t good
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly