As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
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My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.