judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
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The only good comments section online is on recipes
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
what’s the point then??
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.