I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
You Might Also Like
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Natty or not?
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
It’s a gift
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above