Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
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Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.