Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
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“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Dead
Alive
Other✔
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN