*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
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How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
our love story in four pictures
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.