I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
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THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Okay
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?