[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
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I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Coffee is ready.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
What flavor cupcake are these
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.