Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
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Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Not today. 😅
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.