Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
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The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Kids, do not try this at home!
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I have obtained a hat
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
The glory of fall.