Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
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Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.