Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
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A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
That’s it.I’m out.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now