All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
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Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?