[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
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The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Mountain Goat : )
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction