Oh yeh? Explain this then
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People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
yall want some gasoline milk
A Match(.com), but for socks.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.