DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
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*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
moms in horror movies
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.