If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
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birds and squirrels envy us
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost