Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
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Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.