Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
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“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife: