ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
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I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
who called it hell and not heaven’t
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.