A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
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Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag