Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
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Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.