wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
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“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.