cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
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Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.