[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
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“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
men are simple creatures
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.