Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
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I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
you stereotypes are all alike
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.