Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
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Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.