MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
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“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known