[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
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can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
when mom throws a party…
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser