how to have an accident 101
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*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.