[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
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Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.